Boundaries, Needs, and Responses – Using the Three-Step Model as a Tool

Boundaries, Needs, and Responses – Using the Three-Step Model as a Tool

Being able to express your needs and be met with respect is central to our mental and physical health. When our needs are ignored or our boundaries diminished, it can lead to stress, burnout, and decreased well-being (Linehan, 1993; Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011). Constantly being dismissed as “too sensitive” is an example of invalidation, which research shows can undermine both self-esteem and health (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011).

A structured approach to setting boundaries can be extremely helpful. I therefore introduce a three-step model to help you navigate relationships where your needs are not respected – and to determine whether the relationship is worth continuing or if it is harming your well-being.

Theoretical Foundations

Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) shows that mental health is supported when our basic needs – autonomy, competence, and relatedness – are fulfilled. Repeated situations where these needs are ignored threaten both our autonomy and emotional security.

Attachment theory shows that individuals with secure attachment often dare to express their needs and set boundaries, while insecure patterns can lead to avoiding conflict or difficulty standing up for oneself (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

The concept of emotional invalidation – having our feelings diminished or ignored – can lead to emotional dysregulation and lowered self-esteem (Linehan, 1993; Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011).

The Three-Step Model for Boundary-Setting

The model helps you understand different types of boundary violations and decide on the next step:

1. First Time – a Mistake

If someone hurts you accidentally or in the heat of the moment and shows genuine understanding, the relationship can be repaired because it is not an established pattern.

2. Second Time – a Habit

If the behavior repeats, clearly state: “That hurt me; I want it not to happen again.” Relationships can continue if boundaries are respected, but clarity is essential.

3. Third Time – a Conscious Pattern or Inability

After two clearly communicated boundaries, further violations can no longer be seen as mistakes. You now need to reflect on:

• Willingness to Change: Does the person show the ability and desire to change?

• Inability: Is the behavior rooted in personality, culture, or social limitations?

• Manipulation: Is the apology tactical rather than genuine?

Based on this insight, decide whether to continue the relationship or if it is healthier to distance yourself to protect your mental and physical well-being.

Reflection and Practical Application

The three-step model can be used to map relationships and develop a strategy that strengthens self-esteem and boundary-setting:

1. Mapping: List relationships where your boundaries have been crossed and analyze whether the person has tried to adjust or if the behavior is a stable pattern.

2. Analyze in Three Steps:

   • Mistake

   • Habit

   • Conscious pattern or inability
     Reflect: Willingness to change? Inability? Manipulation?

3. Your Boundary Strategy: Clearly formulate what you want to communicate in step 2:
   “When you do X, I feel ............ I want you to ............”

Decide how you will handle a potential third occurrence.

4. Self-Respect and Continuation: Reflect on what it says about your value to stay in relationships where boundaries are not respected.

By working with this model, you can create relationships where your needs are respected and where you can feel safe – a vital component of holistic health.

References

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. New York: Guilford Press.

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183.

Below you will find all the posts in the blog series Relationshops: 

Relationships part 1

Relationships part 2

Relationships part 3

Relationships part 4

Relationships part 5