How to Create Healthy Relationships

Posted by Angelica Sorri August 03, 2025

How to Create Healthy Relationships – and How to Find Them

How to Create Healthy Relationships – and How to Find Them

Relationships are not only a source of closeness, love, and support – they are essential for our mental balance, quality of life, and ability to reach our goals. Many carry wounds from childhood or past destructive relationships, which means that awareness and active work are required to build healthy relationships – both with ourselves and with others.

One of the most powerful keys to sustainable relationships is mentalizing ability – our capacity to understand our own and others’ emotions, needs, and behaviors. It is crucial for empathy, conflict resolution, and relational health, and it strengthens our mental and physical balance (Slavich & Cole, 2013).

What Characterizes a Healthy Relationship?

Research shows that healthy relationships share certain traits, whether they are romantic, friendships, or family:

Security and trust: Feeling accepted and respected (Johnson, 2008).
Emotional presence: Both parties are engaged with each other’s emotions and needs, allowing vulnerability.
Balance between closeness and independence: The ability to be close without losing your own life (Tatkin, 2012).
Communication and conflict resolution: Openness to express feelings, needs, and boundaries, with a willingness to listen without judgment.
Mutuality: A “we” where both feel seen and heard, rather than one-sided giving or dependence.

Mentalizing Ability – the Foundation for Sustainable Relationships

Mentalizing involves understanding both our own and others’ perspectives, feelings, needs, and behaviors. It acts like an internal mirror that helps us understand why people act as they do – including ourselves (Lieberman, 2013).

Strong mentalizing gives us the tools to:

Reflect on our own feelings and behaviors
Understand others’ perspectives
Interpret actions with nuance instead of assuming the worst
Regulate our own emotions without acting impulsively
Set healthy boundaries
Build sustainable and secure relationships
Handle conflicts constructively

When we are stressed or triggered, our mentalizing ability decreases, which can lead to misunderstandings, projections, and destructive patterns.

How to Find Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are not just about luck – they require active choices, self-awareness, and maturity:

Explore your attachment: Early attachment experiences influence whom we choose and how we relate (Bowlby, 1988).
Look for relational competence, not just chemistry: Attraction matters, but security is built through consistent and respectful communication.
Dare to express needs: Speaking up about what matters is crucial for sustainable relationships.
Prioritize self-respect and self-care: Being secure in yourself strengthens your ability to choose relationships that are positive for you.

Relationships characterized by security, respect, and mutual understanding enhance both mental and physical health and can reduce the risk of stress, cardiovascular disease, and burnout (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).

Conclusion

Creating healthy relationships is an active process that begins with self-awareness, understanding your own patterns, and having the courage to set boundaries. Mentalizing ability is a powerful tool that helps us understand ourselves and others, forming the foundation for secure, nourishing, and sustainable relationships.

Relationships are not separate from our health – they are the foundation itself. By reflecting on patterns, needs, and boundaries, we can build relationships that strengthen our holistic health and personal development.

References

Bateman, A. W., & Fonagy, P. (2006). Mentalization-Based Treatment for Personality Disorders: A Practical Guide. Oxford University Press.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of the Self. Other Press.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown.

Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A Theory of Human Motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.

Kenrick, D. T., Griskevicius, V., Neuberg, S. L., & Schaller, M. (2010). Renovating the pyramid of needs. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 5(3), 292–314.

Slavich, G. M., & Cole, S. W. (2013). The emerging field of human social genomics. Clinical Psychological Science, 1(3), 331–348.

Below you will find all the posts in the blog series Relationshops:

Relationships part 1